27 Comments

  1. Lisa C April 18, 2013 at 12:06 am .

    Finding yourself means you will always find the one you love next. I love this blog :)

    1. A May 23, 2013 at 5:44 pm .

      I never lost myself and still haven’t found the one I love.

      1. Ruth Mancini June 9, 2013 at 2:23 pm .

        I’m sorry to hear that. It took me a long time. It felt as though it was never going to happen, and then he turned up on my doostep (seriously!!)

  2. Stephanie Berget April 18, 2013 at 12:39 am .

    What an insightful blog and full of great ideas for finding and liking yourself.

  3. Paul Rega April 18, 2013 at 1:56 am .

    Well Ruth, that was interesting. A little difficult for me to read right now. Having been married for 20 years and most recently just out of an 8 year relationship, I can relate! Learning to be alone is difficult but it can be done even after 28 years of being with someone. I have so much work to do. Thanks for your insight on all this. Well done and I wish you well with your book promotion.

  4. Ruth Mancini April 18, 2013 at 7:27 am .

    Thank you Lisa, Stephanie and Paul. Paul, I think sometimes men find it particularly difficult and I’m not sure that it’s just to do with physical intimacy. It must be especially hard for you after 28 years… but your next partner will appreciate that you haven’t bounced from one relationship to another. My husband had been on his own (pretty much) for several years when I met him and I liked that about him. It made me feel that he was choosy, that it was me he wanted and not just “someone”.

  5. Emily Guido April 18, 2013 at 9:21 am .

    Very well put and it’s always hard with relationships… nothing is easy.

  6. Lorraine Nelson April 19, 2013 at 2:45 am .

    Hi, Ruth! Glad you found yourself AND a good man. Me, I’m still looking, but not for a live-in. Been there, done that. Been married twice and had a couple long-term relationships, but after having my first child at 15, I’m enjoying being alone for the first time in my life. Well, I was enjoying it until my youngest son moved back home with his family. LOL

    Swimming Upstream sounds like an excellent read. I’ll be downloading and cheering you on. :)

  7. Dana Delamar April 19, 2013 at 5:10 am .

    Hi Ruth, I feel like I could have written this post! It took me a really long time to finally find the right guy, and I spent many years alone between bouts of dating. It was quite an adjustment learning to share my life with someone again and not being completely in charge of my own course, though I’m very glad I did finally find *the one*–he was well worth waiting for. We both had been single for quite a while before we met, and we’ve both lamented that we wish we’d met earlier (we’re in our 40s), but I think we both had some growing up to do and needed to be alone and happy with ourselves before we were ready to be happy together.

  8. Ruth Mancini April 19, 2013 at 12:28 pm .

    Thanks for taking the tme to comment Emily, Lorraine and Dana. It’s really interesting to hear other people’s own experiences of being on their own. Someone contacted me yesterday and said my post was timely as she’d just split up with someone after 4 years and was absolutely lost. I hope more people will share their experiences here as hopefully it will help others feel less alone.

  9. Ruth Mancini April 19, 2013 at 12:29 pm .

    Oh, and thanks for cheering me on Lorraine!

    1. Lorraine Nelson April 19, 2013 at 2:46 pm .

      Anytime, Ruth! :)

  10. Amanda Green April 19, 2013 at 11:29 pm .

    Ruth, I really enjoyed reading this blog – I was very independent for most of my life until I went bankrupt and mental illness set in to take me away from some realities and responsibilities for a little while. In that time, I had bad, abusive relationships, and then got with someone for nearly 7 years now. It has been a very dependent relationship from both sides and we have both resented that fact, yet loved our closeness at the same time. However, I truly lost ‘myself’ and now I have just moved home on my own (never lived with him anyway bar a few months) and I am regaining my self worth and loving my own company, and myself, for the first time in ages.

    I resonate with your blog post and all the things you did and find it very inspirational.

    I look forward to reading your book in the near future!

    I don’t know the film I am afraid!

    Amanda :-)

  11. Ruth Mancini April 21, 2013 at 11:06 pm .

    Thanks so much Amanda. I wrote an earlier blog post about finding the ability to survive hard times and you are living proof that it can be done, despite all that you have been through. Having mental health problems inevitably makes it harder to be independent but it’s not impossible as you have demonstrated. I’m really glad you are enjoying your own company again!

  12. Emma Clark Lam April 23, 2013 at 11:52 am .

    Whether you are single, or in a relationship, there are some good tips here for rediscovering one’s self! As a woman, I think it is quite easy to become too absorbed in your children, your partner, your parents etc. Many of us probably need to spend more time doing what we enjoy, rather than what feel obliged to do. Thanks Ruth!

  13. Danica Lim May 10, 2013 at 3:06 am .

    This is very inspiring. I’m always amazed by our power to grow from any situation and even become greater! The path to happiness is not going to be easy, but it sure is worthwhile. Thanks!

  14. Ruth Mancini May 11, 2013 at 11:12 am .

    Thanks Emma and Danica – I couldn’t agree more with you both!

  15. Victoria James June 7, 2013 at 1:46 pm .

    I enjoyed reading your blog, though I have to say I have done all of these, problem is I don’t have many friends nor male friends who are single. Finding yourself through all the mess of a break-up along with just finding that center of happiness is also breaking yourself down to the minimum and starting all over again. I’ve been working on it for months, and I don’t find myself any closer. I work at it daily. Everyday is a battle and I know I’m getting closer, it is just taking so long for me to find myself among the rubble. Thanks for posting this.

    1. Ruth Mancini June 9, 2013 at 2:30 pm .

      You’re welcome Victoria, and thanks for taking the time to comment. I felt just the same as you and you’ve put it very well: it is exactly like breaking yourself down and starting from scratch. But so many people are too scared to face that and so they jump into another relationship to avoid it. I found it really hard too, but I am so glad that, like you, I was brave enough to face myself. You will be rewarded for all your hard work, you wait and see. When you do eventually get into another relationship your happiness will be proportionate to the difficulty you’re facing now – ie much greater :-)

  16. Diane Holcomb July 24, 2013 at 8:08 pm .

    Well said, Ruth. Loneliness can be a clingy bugger. I like hearing how others have taken steps to shake it off. Great blog!

  17. Ruth Mancini July 31, 2013 at 9:11 pm .

    Glad you like it Diane – thanks!

  18. Jessica August 13, 2013 at 9:32 pm .

    Oh, this really strikes a chord with me, especially the part about focusing less about looking good, and more about feeling good. I broke up with my controlling, emotionally abusive ex last year, and was left looking at a massive hole in my life. I had lost all my passions, all the things that made me ME. People urged me to start dating again, but I knew that I needed to heal. 9 months on, and I’m still rediscovering myself. For the first time in years, I keep smiling for no reason! I feel free, and guess what- I have no intention of getting into a relationship any time soon. Being simply me, and loving who that person is is something which I haven’t felt in a long time. You are were so wise for making that decision, really loved this article.

  19. Ruth Mancini August 13, 2013 at 10:42 pm .

    Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Jessica. I loved reading about how you smile to yourself for no reason – I found myself doing the exact same thing and I know just what you mean and the feelings that go with it. I think you are very wise. You knew instinctively that you needed time to get back to yourself again and your next relationship, when it happens, will benefit from that because you’ll attract the sort of person who admires your “separateness” rather than someone who is needy and co-dependent and wants to control you. Kalil Gibran said of marriage that it’s like two trees that need space in between each other to grow properly – looks as though you are doing exactly the right thing! It’s a lonely journey at times too – but so worth it.

  20. donellelacy March 11, 2014 at 1:06 am .

    Loved this post, and I can identify with a lot of it, though I’m approaching it from the perspective of someone who’s single and never been married. I always knew I wanted to pursue certain dreams before I took that step. I dated later than most of my friends. When I noticed my standards shifting or my path wavering in favor of a guy, I put the brakes on. It scared me that I could let another person distract me from the things I desired most in life. It baffled me that women could lose their ‘self’ in a relationship, but I’d seen it happen to women I knew and it had almost happened to me.

    The wrong guy can rewrite your future and before you know it, you’re looking at everything you didn’t want and feeling like you can’t escape. You start to forget what you were like on your own, and the thought of stepping out into that is daunting. My wake-up call was when I asked myself if I wanted to accept his future or write my own in which I accomplished all my dreams.

    Losing yourself has more to do with the type of man you’re with and the strength of your character. If you date the wrong man just so you aren’t alone, you start to lose yourself and the future you wanted. If you date a man who respects who you are and wants to encourage your best qualities, you keep yourself and all your dreams too.

    I’m glad you found the one who encourages your dreams and helps you make them come true.

  21. meredithgschorr March 27, 2014 at 8:34 pm .

    I do all of these things and sometimes it makes being alone ok, but for the most part, I always feel the ache in my heart that something, namely, romantic love, is missing. I am happy with myself and I am not lost – I have a successful writing career, great friends, a stable day job, a good exercise routine, a loving family etc. – I’m not looking for someone to solve my problems – but I know from personal experience that it’s easier to tell people to embrace being single and do what makes YOU happy when you are in a relationship than it is to forget about your loneliness when you’re single and wondering when it will be your turn. Nevertheless, this was a very good post that I think will be useful for many women out there.

    1. ruthmancini March 30, 2014 at 7:27 pm .

      Sounds as though you are fulfilled as a person Meredith. You’ve baked your own cake and now just need the icing. I understand that and I’m not saying that I wasn’t lonely at all once I’d found the fulfillment I needed within myself, but wanting to be with someone because I was happy was very different from wanting to be with someone because I was scared to be alone.

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